Tuesday, May 3, 2016

i hope and pray...and ask for quidance



well since it is already May, it feels as if its time to start taking steps to new beginnings. at least for me anyway.  i feel like i need to recap what just happened in the last 6 months (that just flew by) and start to make some life even more exciting.

I've been doing my writing as much as i can in the mornings first thing. that has been helping me a lot, with setting up what my reality really is and being more mindful about not being in denial.

My career pretty much takes precedence over my life because i still feel as if iam in survival mode from all the years of working as an artist. its hard to come out of that.  there is a lot of stuff in between that is hard to express on how my business is working, but i just continue to work for my stores that so loyally sell my products.
i feel that is time to let some of that out and let that start to take part in shaping my business.
it has been a little more challenging to keep up with all the orders this year. i do have 3 employees. including myself would be 4. peeps that make this happen.

a part of me wants to keep it the way it is and just supply and honor the customers i have and not take on anymore,  except by wait list only.  I've spent most of my life working around life instead of the other way around.

being single is tough because i feel there is no time for life because i need to support my family and not having that other person to lean on has impacted the way that i work and the hours that i put in. basically its called fear.  my family which are my kids have had to grow up with that.

being a full time artist basically means you have to keep moving forward once you stop you will sink.  atleast that is what it feels like anyway.  to me.

this summer i want to take off the month of june to spend with my kids.  i want to take them to the beach for a few weeks. my older son is coming to stay the first part of the summer and his girlfriend is going to do an internship with me. i feel as if i can be a mentor to young adults and teach them how they can make money from their passion.  iam blessed that i am looked upon as a mentor to young people so i need to help them as much as i can from what i have learned.

im going to finish turning my garage into a working/ learning space and hope that it will fall into place as everything is meant to.  that is really all we can do is take the first steps into these visions that we have and just pray that it happens as it is suppose to.  life should not be as hard as we try to make it. even though we need to work hard to make it happen in the beginning . there comes a point when you should feel the flow and it should feel peaceful. then you know you did your part and God has got your back.

i get in these moods of writing where my hand takes over  and i just write and feel so free and positive and then shortly after I'm done. I'm like wow how am i going to stay in that flow. it feels like it is a challenge to keep up with what we are suppose to do and feel because we sink back into that other struggle of life so many times. i see that this is normal everyone goes through ups and downs. the positive part of life is always picking yourself back up and getting back on track. this i know for sure. i try not to beat my self up because there is not a week that goes by that i  don't fall off the track. and sometimes i may stay off for more than a day or a week even. but we do get back on. that is the key. we just keep going forward.

its all ok.  i ask for guidance a lot. sometimes i feel like i don't know what direction to turn. i use to not ask, i would just rely on myself and love. that doesn't work anymore for me.  i  crash and burn.

I'm trying to live the rest of the year alone without depending on a partner which would be where the love part comes in. . ha ha. this is perfect timing for me to focus on my business and my family and me. although i do not believe we and especially i am meant to be alone. iam much happier when i have someone i can laugh with. it takes a lot of energy to date and find that person that you give time to and so for the first time i feel selfish and just want to put it back into me. so i can be a better partner if that opportunity comes along.

this i do have to ask lots of guidance for because i feel very lonely and empty when i am by myelf and it can change my mood to be productive and creative if i am not happy. so iam just praying that this is the path that iam suppose to be on right now.  although i also pray that someone will magically appear and love me one day the same way that i love them. so go figure there is always a push and pull in everything we do in life.  its just taking the first step toward a vision and letting faith take you the rest of the way. all we can do is hope the outcome will keep us happy and content.

so as we start this summer i too hope and pray that all of you will take your steps just as iam taking mine. which are many different ones as we all have so many parts to our lives. and i pray that we find peace and happiness and do things that are important to us and to God and give back as much as we can and just breathe though it.  without the help and support of friends and family that understand us we would not be able to do much at all so i am very thankful for everyone who has crossed my path that supports and encourages me everyday to keep going, in so many ways.

ok so here i go and i hope you will do the same. xoxoxoxo

Thursday, February 11, 2016

My life. As an artist. At times. It Seems.....

As artists we are spiritual sharks. The ruthless truth is that if we don't keep moving, we sink to the bottom and die. 

Sunday, October 25, 2015

"you can take what's broken and make it beautiful again"


a letter to my daughter
I wish i always knew exactly what to do. but we don't. and then we have to try and learn from our mistakes. many of which i have made.  one which i realized now and want to share. now that i can see it clearly and or clearer. and if i had to give advice to any other mom. this is what i would tell them.
No matter what happens, and or under what the circumstances may or might have been. this i know for sure. you always have to be there for your children and they need to know that you are there.
this is and will be very hard if you ever have to face this. i did not succeed with this path that i was taken down. ( with my daughter.)  instead of pushing through the pain and all that was against me, i went inward and outward and away. to protect myself to push the pain away.
with our children i feel this is the one circumstance that we are not and cannot do this if we want to keep them safe and emotionally healthy. this is our job just as we provide material things for them we are to provide emotionally for them.
i don't feel that i did this the best way. i didn't know this the way i do know. i can't feel guilty but i can say I'm sorry and i am here for you know matter what. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. there must of been a reason for my story to be this way. this i am not to sure of as of yet. I'm pretty sure that it may have a bit to do with me finding my passion. by reaching inward i was able to find that one of my love languages was giving. to give was a way to express my love with out saying it.
when you are broken it can be hard to communicate, with anyone, we become mute. or atleast i did. everything that i expressed was done without speaking.
through the years i have become better at communicating.  iam able to connect through my words on paper. this is my gift. i literally have held on to this gift and it pretty much defines me now. it is the one thing that no one can take away from me.  and i know that i am suppose to share this with the world.  this is my reason to be here.
as a mother for me i never thought that my kids would not be with me. but once again this was how it was..... i used my passion in place of my missing piece. and i gave it all,  that i was thinking that i should of been giving  the "family" that i always thought i would have.
its ok. there is no measure on how things are suppose to be. only in our heads.
my story is a little complicated but atlas i can write about it and see now and share with others and hope that even one person will be helped and or inspired by me sharing this. i love you. always.
 mom.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

family

I am very thankful for my little family. well they are not so little anymore but with just the 4 of us it seems small. which brings me to talk about the definition of family, to me my perspective of family is not just blood related but to anyone who would do anything for you at anytime and who you know has your back. to me that is also family. and to me everyone in this word is connected in some way or another. to me, we are all family, and one day we will all be reunited together as one big family. which is why i can't understand all this hatred that goes on in this world, i wish that everyone could just realize this now and it would save us all.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

i would hold on only to let go

i feel like I've come to the end of a road, in more ways than one.  I'm now going to have to take a road that i fear to go down. but i knew my time was going to come, because i have feared it way to long.

i hoped and dreamed that i would get lucky and find the love that never went away, its been one two many times that my heart has been crushed. and my tears are just as normal as my smile. my anger is my norm. my happiness has been covered with my sadness, and my love has been pushed out  with the fear of being alone.

everywhere i turn is now just a memory that i fight to put away for now. i feel weak from constantly trying to hold back the pain of losing my best friend. My instinct is to run back into his arms and begin again but my legs won't move, i feel paralyzed from the unhealthy relationship that we allowed to happen.

we didn't love each other enough to keep from drowning in the pain of words that destroy. once we go to that unforbidden place we forget that there is no getting out. things will never be the same. so we try and try again only to stir up the anger that is caused by the resentment that we tried so hard not to repress.  all to only build up to a huge explosion.

we second guess our boundaries and then give them away to the one we can't resist holding on to, only to let go of, in the end. we never got to see the dreams we were suppose to be in. together.

my heart echoes for the love that never goes away.


clarity
fall 2015 collection.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

on turning 46


i love celebrating my birthday. or i must say the week of. i like to do something special each of the 7 days. this must have something to do with me and anticipation. i love anticipating and looking forward to something special each day. 

i realized this week that when i was asked how my day was yesterday , i said amazing. because i pushed through what i knew i needed to do and and i didnt resist anything so it all came to be a peaceful day. without resistance we end up in a peaceful setting. we take what comes our way and we push through it. 

on monday we went to a french bakery. i had christian take a pic of me. this is the picture that he took. while getting the phone ready he said he wanted to make it artsy. this is amazing to me. i love when my kids show something from within themselves that is creative. he made me look a lot better than i felt, so this will be my 2015 picture of the year.  love it. thank you christian. your only 8 and i know already that you will be a creative and smart soul so that makes me happy. 

i bought myself  surround sound speakers for every room of my new house. the best gift ever. i love that i can go in any room and the music never stops. i can even wake up to it. love love love music. 
it keeps the chatter out of my mind. or atleast to a minimum. 

for my actual birthday i am making a chocolate gluten free cake and paleo style nachos with champagne. birthdays are about doing everything you want to do and looking forward to it. and this is how we should live each day. im going to proceed with this pattern for the upcoming years.  thank you to everyone who is in my life and who is inspired by the things that inspire me.  happy birthday!!!!!! to me.  





Friday, November 14, 2014

life as i know it..series..2015

 
life as i know it.....i can only do so much. sometimes we get frustrated because our mind sees to far ahead and our goals seem to be more advance than what we can really exceed at the time.

then there comes a tiny glimpse into us seeing ourselves from the outside and we become ok with who we are and what we are accomplishing. we see that others will see us for who we are and not judge us as to be something more and in that moment we are okay with what we are doing and accomplishing. 

our time will come where we can catch up and meet these goals and dreams that seem so close. it's okay. we can't push ourselves past our limits so far that we lose sight of what we are accomplishing in the moment. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

"life as i know it".... also the name of my upcoming series for spring 2015

life as i know if right now seems very hectic.  i had been searching for a name for my new upcoming designs that i have pretty much already sketched out i just now have to put them on paper. each day my time is running out.  i can't seem to get caught up enough in my supply and demand to catch a breath of fresh air and peace to start something that requires a calmness and clear mind.  I'm getting better at clearing my mind of the stress and pressure that builds up from the demands that are getting harder and harder to meet.  I've always been able to keep up and keep my word and be as loyal as i can with my customers, whom which are also very loyal to me with most all  carrying my products steadily for years.

now i can feel some changes taking place and the shift in the universe is giving me that foundation that i need to make changes and prepare to change with it.  I'm one of those people who don't budge until i feel the absolute urge to do so. the point is i have to feel very comfortable and safe. which i do now but this whole thing of not being able to keep up to get ahead is not easing up.

i really hope that i can get ahead of myself if even just for a little time being so i too can get myself aligned with what changes are upon me.

i take me job very seriously, sometimes too seriously....ive been a mother now for over 20 years and for over 15 I've been doing this job too. of course not so much when the kids were little but somewhere somehow I've been doing what i could at that time. now the kids are grown... well christian is 7, he keeps me really alert.  he said to me "mom? don't you think you have taken your art work a little bit too far?" ha ha whatever....

each day i do what i can.to feel what i feel and i try to choose what is best for my family, me and my business and that is hard sometimes.   i try not to let the pressure of work take away the happiness and gratitude that i should be feeling for the hard work and accomplishments that i have been given.  sometimes the pressures of climbing the mountain gets so stressful that we forget that we were given the gift of the mountain to climb.

life will go on and the people who support you and can relate to you will be the ones that last and be there for you through the good and more trying times.  do the best you can do and really and truly as long as i know i am doing the best i can there is absolutely noting else that makes me happier.

life as i know it......
michelle xoxoxoxoxo

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's been real

It's been a real crazy ride. Working I mean. Trying to do everything I need to. When you have kids, your work is never done. When you have your own business, your work is never done. After seventeen years of doing what I do. ( which by the way feels weird to speak ) sometimes it feels like I just started, because I'm always thinking what I'm suppose to do next. But I know this is the journey and there is no end. Along the journey is the revealing that along the way will give you wisdom, contentment, and satisfaction. This will be the closest to destination that we get. ( well kind of, I'm sure there's more to it) 

I was not always sure as to what I wanted or needed to be doing. That is with my career. Not until my mid 30's. I stopped trying to figure out if there was something else.

 Alot of younger people experience this and as they are speaking it they are feeling troubled as if something is wrong because they haven't figured it out. As I tell my story it makes them feel that they are not alone. 
It's okay to take time to find your self and or  your passion and or what you want to peruse. 
I'm sure that we won't ever figure everything out.  
As long as I'm content with myself  and how I present what I do then i suppose there is no reason to overthink. But like I always say....But in different words... If you don't allow your self to over think atleast sometimes you will not push yourself to the point of reaching new levels. Which takes us full circle from the beginning and to the no end of our journey. 



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

doing things slowly makes me happier




this is my new way of thinking and doing, kind of like this new beautiful awesome Ferris wheel that we rode in Atlanta. it goes very slow and to me this is how we are able to find the peace in the things we do.
for so long i have been so in a hurry to do things quickly and under pressure that it made me sick. (literally my anxiety was always at an all-time high. especially always trying to beat the clock or trying to do to much because i promised to much.

now i see that i am in control and not the other way around. don't get me wrong when you are in survival mode and you are the only one responsible for your way of life you  will do anything to get to that place of security.

i feel that as long as we are doing the best that we possibly can, that is all that matters and everything will fall into place.  more and more my plate becomes fuller and my life becomes busier and i fall more behind. I'm always trying to catch up and do the things on my list. i tend to skip over the hard things and do what is easier but the hard things are still there and i know i have to do them. well this is called procrastination. yes i do do this.ha ha. and this is not doing my best so once i acknowledge it i will make a huge effort to make it happen and put all other things aside.

I'm always thinking of what i need to do and what I'm going to do and what new things i can make and how i can be more and its like a whirlwind inside my head all the time.  i have list and journals everywhere that i write in and sketch in and put ideas in.  its a lot!!!! my brain makes me tired. there's only a few things that make me stop. one is sleeping. one of my top 3 things to do. and the other is.. well i think that is it. maybe a movie, if i go to a movie theater where i can't see to write or find things to make....ha ha.

ok so do one thing at time slowly and peacefully, always do your best, get lots of sleep, watch movies occasionally, and make lots of lists. oh and don't compare yourself to anyone but who you were yesterday.

xoxoxo
michelle




Thursday, January 2, 2014

when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

im trying really hard in 2014 to make this something that i do each day or atleast when it is challenging for me. im also trying really hard not to rush and to go through each day in peace, to only do what i can and to do what makes me happy. im trying to devote more time to christian and to turn things off and be present when i need to be. im going to try not to worry and to be fearful of the unknown. i want to have a better attitude and to wake up each day with good intentions to do so.  i dont want to complain about things that i am in control of changing.

 i want to make my life more simple so that most of these things are easier for me to achieve. im not sure how im going to get there, im just going to believe that i can do it and like everything else i will write it down so it will be something that i see and when i start to fall down i can reflect on it and get back up and try some more.
i certainly dont want to compare myself to others and think that they have it all together and im some hopeless case. oh no that would be awful. ha ha. actually i have gotten better at that since i made a note of it a few years back and realized by keeping my blinders on, it helps me to focus on the gifts that i was given and the tools that i am surrounded by to help make me a better me.

life is full of challenges its seems once we get through one there is another lurking above ready to come down. i realized that this is the definition of life and its how we look at things that will effect our attitude and our happiness. ive spent most of my life looking at things in fear and in worry.  im 44, i suppose its time to change the way i use to look at things. i know it wont happen over night. but atleast im owning it and realizing that i need to change for the better. and to share your story takes courage and makes you stronger. i can do this. happy 2014.

Friday, October 25, 2013

reflection

i was hoping that the cruise would be time to gather my thoughts and be creative in my writing and get some new designs on paper. ;but instead when i did have quiet time , it wasn't a creative time , i really wasn't able to write like i thought i would but instead i was able to reflect on my accomplishments and embrace them. which for me is something that i do not do. i could feel a force pulling me and telling me that this is what i was suppose to do. it felt really good once i was able to accept it.

i have though accepted who i am and what i have become, for most of us we fight it and try to be more or something we are not, it was not until my 40's that i started to accept what i was suppose to do and who i have become and never looked back.

this cruise was a blessing , something that i was able to do for my family and i have worked really hard and to enjoy the rewards of that hard work is something that has just happened for me. ;i do everything for my kids and probably give them a little too much, ;but from the very beginning i have wanted to have a family and what ever i became i wanted to be able to work hard and give to my family. my business is not just for me it was intended to be ours. but for some reason it didnt turn out that way everything became separate and divided. and even now i dont have my kids all the time so it feels like im working for myself. ;i cant really focus on that anymore i hope one day i can share my life with some one and everything will be one like it should be.

in the mean time what i do and what i give i have to know that i did this and i am very grateful for my accomplishments.... i am proud of myself for once in my life. And last but not least I love you mom. Thank you for everything. You help me more than you know. And if it weren't for you this wouldn't have been as special. xo