i hope and pray...and ask for quidance

well since it is already May, it feels as if its time to start taking steps to new beginnings. at least for me anyway.  i feel like i need to recap what just happened in the last 6 months (that just flew by) and start to make some life even more exciting.

I've been doing my writing as much as i can in the mornings first thing. that has been helping me a lot, with setting up what my reality really is and being more mindful about not being in denial.

My career pretty much takes precedence over my life because i still feel as if iam in survival mode from all the years of working as an artist. its hard to come out of that.  there is a lot of stuff in between that is hard to express on how my business is working, but i just continue to work for my stores that so loyally sell my products.
i feel that is time to let some of that out and let that start to take part in shaping my business.
it has been a little more challenging to keep up with all the orders this year. i do have 3 employees. including myself would be 4. peeps that make this happen.

a part of me wants to keep it the way it is and just supply and honor the customers i have and not take on anymore,  except by wait list only.  I've spent most of my life working around life instead of the other way around.

being single is tough because i feel there is no time for life because i need to support my family and not having that other person to lean on has impacted the way that i work and the hours that i put in. basically its called fear.  my family which are my kids have had to grow up with that.

being a full time artist basically means you have to keep moving forward once you stop you will sink.  atleast that is what it feels like anyway.  to me.

this summer i want to take off the month of june to spend with my kids.  i want to take them to the beach for a few weeks. my older son is coming to stay the first part of the summer and his girlfriend is going to do an internship with me. i feel as if i can be a mentor to young adults and teach them how they can make money from their passion.  iam blessed that i am looked upon as a mentor to young people so i need to help them as much as i can from what i have learned.

im going to finish turning my garage into a working/ learning space and hope that it will fall into place as everything is meant to.  that is really all we can do is take the first steps into these visions that we have and just pray that it happens as it is suppose to.  life should not be as hard as we try to make it. even though we need to work hard to make it happen in the beginning . there comes a point when you should feel the flow and it should feel peaceful. then you know you did your part and God has got your back.

i get in these moods of writing where my hand takes over  and i just write and feel so free and positive and then shortly after I'm done. I'm like wow how am i going to stay in that flow. it feels like it is a challenge to keep up with what we are suppose to do and feel because we sink back into that other struggle of life so many times. i see that this is normal everyone goes through ups and downs. the positive part of life is always picking yourself back up and getting back on track. this i know for sure. i try not to beat my self up because there is not a week that goes by that i  don't fall off the track. and sometimes i may stay off for more than a day or a week even. but we do get back on. that is the key. we just keep going forward.

its all ok.  i ask for guidance a lot. sometimes i feel like i don't know what direction to turn. i use to not ask, i would just rely on myself and love. that doesn't work anymore for me.  i  crash and burn.

I'm trying to live the rest of the year alone without depending on a partner which would be where the love part comes in. . ha ha. this is perfect timing for me to focus on my business and my family and me. although i do not believe we and especially i am meant to be alone. iam much happier when i have someone i can laugh with. it takes a lot of energy to date and find that person that you give time to and so for the first time i feel selfish and just want to put it back into me. so i can be a better partner if that opportunity comes along.

this i do have to ask lots of guidance for because i feel very lonely and empty when i am by myelf and it can change my mood to be productive and creative if i am not happy. so iam just praying that this is the path that iam suppose to be on right now.  although i also pray that someone will magically appear and love me one day the same way that i love them. so go figure there is always a push and pull in everything we do in life.  its just taking the first step toward a vision and letting faith take you the rest of the way. all we can do is hope the outcome will keep us happy and content.

so as we start this summer i too hope and pray that all of you will take your steps just as iam taking mine. which are many different ones as we all have so many parts to our lives. and i pray that we find peace and happiness and do things that are important to us and to God and give back as much as we can and just breathe though it.  without the help and support of friends and family that understand us we would not be able to do much at all so i am very thankful for everyone who has crossed my path that supports and encourages me everyday to keep going, in so many ways.

ok so here i go and i hope you will do the same. xoxoxoxo


NCtote said…
Hi, first let me say, I have been a fan since the Durham Art walk around 3/4 years ago, have 4 pieces hanging in my home. So thank you for writing words that never get old or tired and coupling them with beautiful art.

Reading your blog is like reading a script from a conversation I just had with a close friend. feel I have been an eternal Lone Ranger emotionally, and that may be my journey. I love being in a good relationship, but do well on my own. I agree as a single parent, dedicated to my family and career, the amount of engagement it takes to be present as a partner can tip the scale and become burdensome.
I admire your willingness to share this, and can completely relate to the state of mind and the desire to accept with grace where I am designed to be-standing alone with chapters of company along the way, or if there is a partner in my future. Cheers, and best to you as you grow in your purpose, continue the fulfillment of your path, and if it is in your plan partnership with someone who will see your gifts and be a good match for you

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