brave and scared

I've not been scared to do ordinary things until recently in my life. Ordinary meaning answer an email or like a post on Instagram. That is how I now see myself then.

I'm not scared anymore, which is why I am starting back by writing, on my blog. Back then it wouldn't have mattered how I worded it, I would have been at fault.
Well anyway now is the best time than ever to start back slowly just doing a little bit of public writing.
I haven't posted anything since shortly after being married. I quickly thought it would be one less thing to get in trouble for.

Ive had some serious stomach issues.  I figured things out, but it took me a while.  My stress was at an all time high in the bouts of being scared thus causing what felt like ulcers to act up. So i was getting hit hard with food allergies and stress.

My life recently took a sharp turn in Feb. 2019.  and since then my road to recovery has done my stomach much better.  I've learned not to "push the rope", on 99.9 % of the things that i do.
My mom taught me that saying it just took me until now to finally get it.

So being brave and scared at the same time, not sure where i was brave in these last 2 years, but I'm pretty sure I was.  My stomach, the core of my body carries all my stories and pain, so i have to be very careful not to upset it.  Most people get there answers from their mind, I get mine from my stomach.  Hence why I "feel" my way through life. or i should say I have "felt" my way through- Im changing it up a little now.

So it is very silent and calm now in my mind, body, and spirit.  I kind of just sit and stare and wonder- and just remind myself that "tomorrow will be different."
I haven't been scared in a while I guess that was the whole purpose of this blog post.

I hope one day I can talk to other women about their stories. Right now i mostly just read about them. My will to talk has taken a back seat. Ive only talked to family for the last leg of this particular chapter. So at times i literally feel like i have no voice.

I don't know what will happen to me, my stomach, my voice, my words.  but i do know that Iam better at writing than talking so......... here we go. xoxoxoxox


Tonya Bestor said…
Hugs to you on this big step... May it be the first of many! Xoxo
me said…
One thing to know, you have always been beautiful inside and out. Your words and talent matter. I am in the same boat. I have my first colonoscopy on Wednesday to figure out my stomach. It has been in horrible shape my whole life but recently is at its all time worst. Food is an enemy to me. My stress is the cause I believe. We have always been so alike. I am always here. Maybe one day we can get together and chat about the last 40 years. Voicing and letting go is the best therapy there is. You are always in my heart.

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